Hot-Take Horoscopes!

You know you want to read them. GO ON. (Mr. Smothers said it’s okay.)


Photo: Laura Beard, Spencer Cotham and Snowden Farnsworth

Hot horoscopes to bring you into summer! Look no further.

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Aries (March 21 – April 19) 

Aries, you are as hot as the blazing Memphis sun. You’re killing it, when you walk into a room all eyes are on you, but be careful not to burn others.




Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Baby steps, Taurus. Let’s go one hoof at a time to get to your goals. Always remember that fortune favors the bull-d (Nice one right! I thought it was pretty good.) Anyways, if you like something, you’d better put a ring on it.



Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Let’s be real, Gemini, you should probably update your wardrobe. It’s getting a bit “last season.” And just think of how good you’ll look sporting some new threads this summer while having the best break of your life.




Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

So Cancer, you’ve become a crab this past year, with your hard shell. But you’ve got to break free! Go buck wild! Eat all the chocolate!




Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Okay control freak, Leo, this is your time to shine and let loose a little bit. Come on, stop being so uptight this summer. Trust me, you won’t regret it.




Virgo (August 23 – Sept. 22)

Virgo, it’s about time you treat yo’ self! You’ve spent all year taking care of others. Stop it. Get some help for yourself. You come before anyone else in your life, and you need to recognize that. You deserve that pint of ice cream. Go for it.



Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

Let’s go somewhere, Libra! It’s summertime, A.K.A. vacation time. You’ve got three months to go globe-trotting, it’ll be a total blast.




Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

Okay Scorpio, real talk, it’s time. You’ve gotta talk to people this summer! *gasp* I know, but it’ll be ok. Who knows, maybe you’ll meet your soulmate… or maybe just someone with a really chill dog.



Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

Hey Sagittarius, it’s ya boy. So, you’re done with school, that’s pretty cool. I know you just want to lie down and sleep for the next three months, but that grind never stops! So get up and go out there and do some charity work or something, I don’t know man.



Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

Chill out Capricorn! You’ve been going at 100% for a while, but it’s time to sit down with a nice glass of cold sweet tea by the pool and work on finding your zen. Ohm…, Ohm…



Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

Aquarius, you got this. Whatever “this” is… Regardless, I know you’re going to crush your summer goals. Maybe “this” is getting that sun-kissed look, or maybe “this” is binging every season of “The Office.”



Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)

While there’s no place like home, you’ve got to come out of your bubble, Pisces. Make some new friends, get a pet rock, just do something. Please, we’re getting worried about you. Go outside. Go on daily adventures and live your best life. Just make sure that life happens outside of the comfort of your room.