Sassy horoscopes

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Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Everyone already knows you’re smart, so not getting those two bonus points on the test doesn’t really matter, just like everything else in life. Now be like “Frozen,” and let it go!

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Your apathetic attitude is envied by every teenager who is suffering through the emotional highs and lows of the final quarter of the school year. Keep being your original self, but try to avoid any destructive tendencies, you lil’ sociopath, you.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Stop playing the victim and start playing the flute, instead! Let your talents take you on a magical journey that Bob Ross himself would be jealous. That wise man once said, there’s nothing wrong with having a tree as a friend.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Take the ram by the horns and do it. (Please continue reading, this is supposed to be short because we know you are impatient, but we don’t really care. We’re just going to type a lot of fluff, we know your egotistical self is going to make you read this whole thing anyway.) As we were saying, just do it.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Even though that boy you talked to one time in seventh grade asked that other girl to prom instead of you, to heck with ’em. Bees may have honey, but they also have stingers. Interpret that as you will…

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow…OOH! Yellow and black. Gemini, channel your inner Barry B. Benson and make some actual decisions this summer. Maybe save the bees?

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You know that shirt you bought that you LOVE but are too insecure to wear? NOW IS YOUR TIME! This summer is all you, birthday baby! Just don’t be negative about how short of a time we have…(you have that tendency, buzzkill).

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Wow, you’re actually reading this? Congrats for finally doing something even though it’s still self-involved. We know you love yourself enough already, but to boost your inflated ego even more, you should know you share a sign with Barack Obama. ‘Nuff said.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

We get it, the painting is slightly off center, just please stop nudging it. Also, your ration of selfies to pictures posted on Instagram should be FAR lower, so let’s just…calm down a little…for all our sakes.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You keep the peace between your friends and family and that can be tiring. So here we are, giving you full freedom to be the FUN friend for once, not the mom friend. Also how about forgiving your friend for spilling their coffee on your Friday dress shirt. It’s been three years. Seriously, practice what you preach, “mom”!

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Hey, horror movie fanatic, when you aren’t contemplating feats of intense courage, find the will to be okay with commitment. You’ll be so much happier, Scorpio, if you find people to invest your time and TRUST in. Work on that, girly pop, and you’ll make great things happen.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Sagittarius! Can I call you Sagi? You are SO fun to be around, and you have such a service oriented heart. You go, Glen Coco! Go do community service with your friends this summer. Just don’t guilt trip them (as you usually do) if they don’t have fun…

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