I cannot say that I had high hopes for the movie “The Expendables,” but I hoped for the best. After watching it, I still have no idea what an expendable is, and I honestly could not tell you even if my life depended on it.

The movie follows a group of old men in their forties who are trying to relive their glory days. “The Expendables” focuses on Sylvester Stallone and his group of friends as they walk around in different colored wife-beaters, unbuttoned flannels and jeans. One guy even wears a fedora for the whole movie.

They begin the movie fighting crime as a group of pirates tries to kill hostages on a ship. This scene includes my favorite moment of the whole movie: a phone starts to ring during their mission, and all of the expendables are confused as to what it is. One of the men then replies to the group and pirates, interrupting all of the action of the movie, to note that he “got a text.”

At this point, I had to pause the movie, walk away from it and take a two-hour break because this moment brought me to tears. When I continued watching, the expendables resume their mission and are able to kill the pirates surprisingly casually.

A guy named Mr. Church meets them in a church, says a bunch of cuss words and gives Sylvester the mission, which is to overthrow a dictator on a tiny island, which is inhabited by a bunch of men with bad accents. Then, Arnold Schwarzenegger, the guy known for his famous words “I’ll be back,” makes a quick appearance and never shows up again.

The dictator is basically a guy with anger issues who wears a suit and complains a lot about his cocoa crop’s inability to grow. Sylvester and his friend, Lee, travel to the island and get in a tussle with the general’s daughter, resulting in explosions and a humanly-impossible move of jumping into a plane mid-air. But, you’ve got to have the action, right?

Sylvester tries to tell the general’s daughter to come with them, and he risks his life by trying to get her on the plane. (Note: He met this girl ten minutes prior to this.) Being the smart girl that she is, she refuses to leave with them, even while knowing that a bunch of men are trying to kill her.

Sylvester and Lee leave, but later fly back over the island, blow up the town’s dock with ease and kill everyone on it. Happy endings are the best endings.

Lee Christmas’s ex-girlfriend is confused by what the expendables exactly do, at which point I muttered to myself, “Same.” Every single time she asks about it, he will not tell her. Seems to me that this is just the beginning of a relationship built on honesty and trust. Lee then does the most predictable thing ever: he beats up his ex-girlfriend’s abuser, and they fall happily in love. Wow, what a plot twist.

Much to my surprise, the movie does not end there, and I was so bored that I thought about starting my homework. Basically, when you think that something will not blow up, it does, and a lot of people die.

The expendables are really good at coming out of nowhere and saving the day. In the end, they miraculously save the general’s daughter, kill the dictator in a tux and get the heck out of there.

The movie ends in a garage where they are laughing and reminiscing about their good deed. Then, they all put on their matching biker jackets that say “The Expendables” and ride off on their motorcycles into the night while the song “Boys Are Back in Town” plays in the background. What an original, unpredictable ending!

The fact that there are two more movies in this series makes me extremely concerned for today’s society. I would like to apologize to my dad; I’m sorry for spending $3.99 of your hard earnings to rent this movie on iTunes. But, in all seriousness, if you enjoy this movie, I respect that. You do you.

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Endless cheese